Disclaimer: I just have to let this out. I am sorry for even bothering you and please don’t continue reading if you feel like this post is a mess, that I am a mess. I am sorry. So sorry. For letting out the words I’ve been hiding in my chest for so long and now, the strings of my heart have all been cut and shattered by an explosion inside of me. And writing, I thought, is the best antidote. So hear me, and I’m sorry.
With a beer in my right, a laptop on my lap, and a world of silence around me, I realized: today is the day.
The day I have been waiting for.
The day I will free myself from all the chains of hatred, disappointment, regret, sadness, broken heart and havoc in my life.
The day I will finally be strong enough to let all the words spill, and all the feelings explode.
The day I will shatter.
Yet the day I will pick up all the broken shards, stand up, and proclaim myself anew.
Hatred. I never store anger in my heart. That I can prove to you with my daily journal where I keep all my thoughts, all my words. If I write something, I believe it will be permanent; I believe it will be my mark to this world even after I’m gone. But you see, you can barely read any words of hate there. If anything, you can see me ending it with “oh well, at least it still turned out good” or “well, that’s just life”. That’s me. I never write my enraged thoughts because I don’t want them to be permanent.
But you see, as cliché as it may sound, I am a human, too. I frown. I scream. I become mad. I even react using curse words sometimes. But that’s fine because we are humans and we are allowed to feel everything the world has to offer.
So this is me letting out my anger to the world and its never-ending clutter. To the greedy, selfish, and corrupt politicians who are so oblivious of their conscience and the world hungry for help and saving. To the citizens who are blind of the fact that every little thing they do matters (i.e. give food to that starving beggar living in the streets). To the professors who give me so much to do but end up giving me an underrated grade I do not deserve. To some of my elementary and high school classmates who bullied me and called me short, unattractive, and distant. To some of my past teachers who did not see my worth despite all the hardwork I’ve put in my studies. To my past friends who I thought were real but turned out to be the opposite. To my current “friends” who only remember me when they need something from me. To my studies for stressing the hell out of me and not understanding that it isn’t the only thing I have to prioritize in my life. To the people I was trying to talk to but ended up not listening or giving a single damn. To the people I told some of my jokes to but ended up making me feel stupid. To the boy who made me feel beautiful but left me like I’m never enough. To the people I told my secrets to but never really kept them. To the people I gave a part my life and my time to but threw it away like it doesn’t have any value at all. And finally, to myself for realizing too late and ending up scarred and broken for life.
Yet to all of them I’ve mentioned, thank you; because without you, I would’ve never become who I am right now.
Disappointment. There is not much to say but to the people or things that disappointed me, you are forgiven; and to the people or things I have disappointed, I apologize.
Regret. Ask me what my biggest regret is and I’ll probably only think of these – what if my family’s migration to Canada happened for real? Would I still have the complete family I’ve been yearning for my whole life? Would my Dad stay? Would my Mom let him? Would I have been the happiest daughter to ever live in all of human history?
All the what if’s, would have’s and could’ve been’s kill me. Every night, I stare at the ceiling and think, would my life be any better if these things happened instead of the things happening now? But every single night that I pray and talk to God, he seems to answer me with only one thing: Everything happens for a reason.
So I believe that whatever it is that took place in the YESTERDAY’s or taking place in the NOW’s has a reason specified in the following TOMORROW’s. And that itself is enough to make all the regrets fade to dust and turn to lessons I will take with me through life.
Sadness. I may never fully eliminate this in my life. As a person who feels deeply and exists frailly, it seems like sadness is indeed a part of life. There are times I get sad without ever knowing why; yet these times make me a stronger person. Also, these times bring out the words inside of me that I didn’t even realize I have within me. Sadness, generally, brings out the best and worst of me… all at once.
I’ve learned to embrace it, I must say. I’ve gotten used to it – from the physical faking smiles to the vicious pain inside. I’ve got to thank sadness though for teaching me one of the greatest lessons to ever know – life goes on.
And it would never bother stopping just for me.
Broken heart. I haven’t been to any relationships before (and I’m still not planning to until I graduate from college); but there have been a few connections with the opposite sex that taught me helluva lessons to keep with me.
To the boy who I had the longest crush to – four, five, maybe six years, I guess, it was one wild ride I had with you. A rollercoaster ride, indeed, that I will never ever forget. You can never imagine all the feelings you’ve made me feel for the first time. All those butterflies in my stomach only came alive the first time you smiled at me. All those silly melodies only started playing in my mind that time you personally talked to me. All those stupid love songs only had meaning when you began recognizing my presence in your life. There are myriad other more of these emotions.
And although in the end it did not turn out as I wanted it to be, you still made a mark that will forever be engrossed in this heart. Thank you, I’m sorry, and goodbye. As you usually told me back then, “see you when I see you.”
And to the boy who offered me his hands when it seemed like I was drowning in the pools of the brutally breaking past, I had memories with you that I will forever carry in my heart no matter how short the time we had. That time I felt so down like I was destined to be alone forever, you made me believe that there was more in life that I could be. You made me feel genuinely happy when I thought I’d never stop faking smiles to hide the pain from the world. Our cosmos seemed to collide and even if they’re only meant to intersect once, they exploded the brightest, the strongest. And that explosion dug deeper than I have expected.
Because it turns out, you have another girl who’s making you feel the way you’re making me feel. I couldn’t blame the world for that when all I want for you is to be happy. So even if it’s hard, I tell myself that I could live with it; I tell myself to let go. Because there’s this bit of hope I am clinging to – that someday, somewhere, someone out there is meant for me. This time, our cosmos will never just collide and explode; instead, they will bump into each other and unite, never to let go of each other ever again.
Havoc. There seems to be an endless string of thoughts in my head forming labyrinths that even I, myself, could get lost at. Sometimes, I could fathom them, form answers, and find a way out; but most times, overthinking would be an alternative way for me in singing myself to sleep. However, I find beauty in this mess. I find myself by getting lost. See, I am a living paradox and there is nothing to deny in that.
All I want are those people who are willing to live with this; who are willing to stay; who are willing to wholeheartedly accept who I really am.
Because today, I am setting myself free. I am leaving the shadows I have lived at for a long time. I am flying to the vast skies with nothing holding me back. I am limitless, invincible, and igniting. I am more than just existing; I am living.
And today, I am finally me.
Set yourself free, my love,